relationships.

my thoughts have been consumed with the topic of relationships here lately. and it seems that conversations that i have been having keep prolonging these thoughts. so me being convinced that everything happens for a reason , cant help but assume that there is a good reason for this.

i am astonished by our perception of what relationships are supposed to be like. im really trying to evaluate the relationships i have in my life.

selfishness is something i seem to keep finding.sometimes on my end ,sometimes on the other end and sometimes just from observing other's relations with each other.

how messed up is that?God blessed us with relationships and we distort them in so many ways. i want to be able to put into my relationships what i want to get out of them and even more. but that would require me putting my self aside...putting other's first. which as much as i hate to admit , this task that has been preached to me for as long as i can remember is still as hard for me as it was years ago.

i suppose it's time to grow up.

i took a break from blogging...and im back...i think.


im on this new kick where i just want to be really open. i keep thinking that i only have one life to live ( my mom watches that soap) so i might as well share it. what is the point in hiding things?

well there is the fact that sharing the messy things gives reason for people to judge. but i figure if someone is judging me or what i do affects their ability to love me. then it's not true love and i shouldn't worry about it - enough with that rabbit trail


i am very angry with my father. those of you who have ever heard me talk about the issues i have with my dad , know that i usually blow it off and state that it simply does not bother me. but after thinking about it...it does bother me. just not in the way that you might think. my dad and i have no spoken in...well it's been around a year. i am not sad. that sounds awful, but im not.

i am angry. livid ... is a better term for it. yes, it is both of our faults. yes, i could attempt to fix it if i chose to. but nothing changes the fact that i am angry.

when you lack the love of a father in your life , you tend to want to replace that void. which is what i spent this past summer doing. this is a cliche' saying but it describes my way of living the past few months so perfectly ... i was " looking for love in all the wrong places". ick...i want to cringe it's so cliche' . but it is the truth.

i looked for love in boys , friendships, and activities that were all toxic.

after being wrapped up in all these things led by my selfishness , i finally broke. ( as most often do) and that is exactly what i needed to do. it was a rush of relief. everything i knew in the back of my mind finally pushed it's way to the front and demanded my attention. the truth that i had suppressed was simply unavoidable.

i have a heavenly father that loves me more than i could ever comprehend. whose love can fill the void in my life that my biological father has left and then some. why was i looking for love , when the greatest love of all was right in front of me?

im not looking anymore. im embracing that love and it's the most amazing feeling.

my "nathan-bag".

steve's message this morning was one those messages that has stuck with me all day. and it's been pretty much all i can think about.

i realized today that my "nathan-bag" has become huge...especially over the past few years.(for those of you who have no idea what i am talking about, steve refered to the grudges that we carry around as "nathan-bags"...if that helps any) But my bag hasn't just grown into something that is bulky and heavy...it has become , me.

or i have become it. i suppose.

these things, these wounds, that have been given to me by old friends, family members, relationships...they define who i am. and it's in no way,shape , or form a good way.

i've talked before about how i am an avoider.when things happen. when i get hurt. i never try to fix it.fixing it just seems too hard...like way too much work. so i avoid it, and i hold on to that grudge for dear life.

and i'm learning that living like that is getting me nowhere.but after being defined by these things for so long...how do you change?
just completely change.

i am checking.

in the notes at church on sunday there was a part about checking our motivations. and when i read it i couldn't help but get frustrated with myself because this is something that i struggle with. and i have been aware of it for awhile now.

but i think it's safe to say that lately i have been checking my motivations.

i have been doing my best to think about what i am doing and why i am doing it. because i really do believe that the truth lies in our intentions. and sometimes ...well alot of times, my truth is ugly. and it's embarassing. and i don't want anyone to see it.

usually when i sit back and realize my true intentions...
-why i am going where i am going to hang out,
-why i'm putting on that shirt that's a little too low cut,
-why i am waking up in the morning to go church...
i get so angry with myself. and lately i've been refraining from doing some of the things that i used to do because my motivations were not where they should be. and i know some people are upset with me because of my decisions to sit out...but i know that its something that i need to do for myself.

so i'm checking.
and don't get my wrong i am still failing like crazy.
but...i am checking.

i am trying.

i am trying not to be one of those bitter seniors.
thats hates their class.
and hates this town.
and just wants to get away from it all.

but that is me. i am so frustrated with the people i go to school with.

the couples. that have to wait in their cars in the morning until their special someone gets there to accompany them into the building. like they really can't walk into the school themselves.

the gossip.that is all you can hear about. i learn more about the people at my school from just walking down the hallways then sitting down and talking to the person.

the parties. that occur every weekend.and the way people actually think it's humerous when they get in their cars "totally shit-faced" and drive somewhere. ( i think thats the term i heard at school today)

don't get me wrong. i have some amazing friends at school that i love.but this is our last year.after this, we are gone and on our own. and half the people at my school can't function without their girlfriend/boyfriend, and the other half can't function without alcohol. it's just frustrating to see these people lose their independence. and it worries me how any of us are going to be able to make it outside of waverly.

maybe i'm being a bitter betty.
or maybe i'm looking outside the high school realm of things.
right now, i'm not so sure.

i am learning.

i think that i am finally starting to realize that the people in my life have different roles.

i used to just open up to anyone. anyone who would take the time to sit and listen to me cry,vent,bitch,or complain about my life. and i thought that was okay.but i'm growing and i'm learning.and i'm finding out that i have to protect myself and there is nothing wrong with that.

there are alot of people in my life.and i consider myself very blessed to know all of them. but not all of them were meant to hear all of my dark,twisty,and painfully honest details about my life. God has given me my people ( as anna would say) and these people were meant for that.they don't tell me what i want to hear, they don't judge me, and they don't use me coming to them to make themselves feel good about themselves.they are my people

i lied.

you may think this is who i am. but it's not. i lied.

i put on the biggest show.
some of you may have seen my debut as 'creighton' in the musical last year...and thought , " wow,she is horrible at acting"

but this isn't true.

i am actually quite good because i do it everyday. its an art that i have mastered.

just thought i'd put that out there.