" i'm an avoider...i avoid."

to me slowing down is the worst thing.

when i slow down, all the things i've been avoiding come crashing into my lap. and they are just there. and i have to deal with them.
i avoid.
and i am good at.
i avoid my dad so i don't have to talk to him.
i avoid working things out with friends that i have wronged.
i avoid being in the room with my mom so we won't fight.
i avoid the things i know i will fail at.
i avoid looking in the mirror because i don't like what i see ( which by the way my hair looks sometimes, its pretty obvious.)

but mostly i avoid thinking about the important things. when i start ... i get so deep into my thoughts...i can't get out. maybe it's because i have a huge imagination, or that i'm obsessive about whats going to happen,or maybe i just really have issues. i hate thinking. i really do.

but i'm realizing that sometimes there are things i can't avoid. i can't hide under the blankets forever. i have to get over my fears...and face reality.

it's raining in baltimore.

i love this song by counting crows. adam duritz's voice is therapeutic to me and it brings out so many emotions. it brings back both good and bad memories. and for the 3 to 4 minutes that a counting crows song lasts i can find myself in a completely different place. tonight this song has a new meaning to me. and i'm not exactley sure what it is yet...but it just feels different. and i think i like it.


This circus is falling down on its knees
The big top is crumbling down
It's raining in baltimore fifty miles east
Where you should be, no one's around

I need a phone call
I need a raincoat
I need a big love
I need a phone call

These train conversations are passing me by
And i don't have nothing to say
You get what you pay for
But i just had no intention of living this way

I need a phone call
I need a plane ride
I need a sunburn
I need a raincoat

And i get no answers
And i don't get no change
It's raining in baltimore, baby
But everything else is the same

There's things i remember and things i forget
I miss you i guess that i should
Three thousand five hundred miles away
But what would you change if you could?

I need a phone call maybe i should buy a new car
I can always hear a freight train if i listen real hard
And i wish it was a small world
Because i'm lonely for the big towns
I'd like to hear a little guitar
I think it's time to put the top down

I need a phone call
I need a raincoat.



after a very long and emotional night.all i can think about is how i'm ready for something new. i'm ready to be rejuvinated. to learn to respect myself and maybe discover who i really am at the same time.

calley.

yesterday was my best friend calley's 17th birthday.

calley is truely the definition of a best friend. she has been that one person who is always there for me. and i mean always. we spend an abnormal amount of time together and it never gets old. i wouldn't trade the laughs,the tears,the conversations,the comfortable silences for anything.

i have been surrounded by family and friends my entire life that are around for the good times...but when things get rough they bail. but it such a relief to know that i don't have to worry about that with calley. she is there ...even if i let her down.

she is selfless when it comes to our friendship.

and i consider myself blessed to have her in my life.

this was fun.

stunted.

i need to s l o w down.

i am so bad about getting into my everyday routine and just not taking a breath. i know almost everyone struggles with this.and i feel like here lately all i've heard is to make sure you find solitude and silence. and that you need to take time to relax and just be. and i've never really been able to relate...but in the past few days i've kinda been slapped in the face with some reality.

i have realized that i find comfort in the noise.

i find comfort in the distractions.

i really need to breathe. the noise and distractions help me avoid the things that i really should be confronting. and when i'm avoiding those things i'm really stunting my growth.

which is never good.

eight facts.

okay, so i was never officially "tagged" but i really wanted to play this game so...here i go...eight things about me...and no one can stop me :)

1) i cannot sing or dance. but my ultimate dream is to be on broadway.i always wanted to take dance lessons but it was really expensive so i was never able to do it. and there is not a single person in my family that can sing...so i guess my dream is kinda just that...a dream.

2) i lack motivation more than anyone i've ever met in my entire life. it doesn't matter how badly i want something...i would sooner give up than actually try to work for it. i know...that's horrible. but also very true.

3) i have an obsession with the tv show 'charmed.' incase you've never heard of it... it's a show about three sisters who are witches. it's actually a very strange show with bad affects ,cheesey lines, and not so great acting. but for some reason i love it. and i watch it everyday, it's definately a guilty pleasure.

4) oreos dipped in peanut butter is my absolute favorite food. sometimes i eat it for dinner. it's amazing.

5) i have no talent. i am not good at any sport , i am not artistic or creative, like i said earlier i can't sing or dance, i have no deep or profound thoughts that i could poeticly write on paper...it's really a bummer. and it used to really upset me even though i would joke about it. but it's something that i'm learning to live with and accept about myself.

6) i love rain. it's symbolic and it's beautiful. and for me , it always seems to come at the perfect time.

7) for awhile i've been saying that i want to be a sports trainer. but just the other day i came to the conclusion that broken bones freak me out...so i guess i'm going to have to rethink my career choice...which sucks.

8) my father and i are the same person. we do not get along, we haven't spoken in months, but it's just because we are so much alike. i try to deny it all the time but if i really think about it is the truth. we avoid the tough subjects, we joke about the things that hurt us so people don't know we are upset, we are stubborn and never want to admit we are wrong. the fact that we are so much alike is the main reason me and my dad have so many issues in our relationship.

well that was fun...

birthday girl.

hello my name is lauren and i am seventeen.

i can now legally drive with as many people in my car as i desire.
and i can also see 'R' rated movies. bah!

it has been a year of changes and growing for me. it's safe to say that i had been at my all time low and God so graciously extended his arm to pull me out of an extremely dark hole. there has been a number of times in the past year when i wanted to give up...to fall down and not get up. but i'm so thankful that i can look back and see how all that has shaped me into who i am today. i am aware that there will be times when things get rough and i'm feeling low. but i am so grateful that i've had this past year to prepare for those times.