my "nathan-bag".

steve's message this morning was one those messages that has stuck with me all day. and it's been pretty much all i can think about.

i realized today that my "nathan-bag" has become huge...especially over the past few years.(for those of you who have no idea what i am talking about, steve refered to the grudges that we carry around as "nathan-bags"...if that helps any) But my bag hasn't just grown into something that is bulky and heavy...it has become , me.

or i have become it. i suppose.

these things, these wounds, that have been given to me by old friends, family members, relationships...they define who i am. and it's in no way,shape , or form a good way.

i've talked before about how i am an avoider.when things happen. when i get hurt. i never try to fix it.fixing it just seems too hard...like way too much work. so i avoid it, and i hold on to that grudge for dear life.

and i'm learning that living like that is getting me nowhere.but after being defined by these things for so long...how do you change?
just completely change.

i am checking.

in the notes at church on sunday there was a part about checking our motivations. and when i read it i couldn't help but get frustrated with myself because this is something that i struggle with. and i have been aware of it for awhile now.

but i think it's safe to say that lately i have been checking my motivations.

i have been doing my best to think about what i am doing and why i am doing it. because i really do believe that the truth lies in our intentions. and sometimes ...well alot of times, my truth is ugly. and it's embarassing. and i don't want anyone to see it.

usually when i sit back and realize my true intentions...
-why i am going where i am going to hang out,
-why i'm putting on that shirt that's a little too low cut,
-why i am waking up in the morning to go church...
i get so angry with myself. and lately i've been refraining from doing some of the things that i used to do because my motivations were not where they should be. and i know some people are upset with me because of my decisions to sit out...but i know that its something that i need to do for myself.

so i'm checking.
and don't get my wrong i am still failing like crazy.
but...i am checking.