my "nathan-bag".

steve's message this morning was one those messages that has stuck with me all day. and it's been pretty much all i can think about.

i realized today that my "nathan-bag" has become huge...especially over the past few years.(for those of you who have no idea what i am talking about, steve refered to the grudges that we carry around as "nathan-bags"...if that helps any) But my bag hasn't just grown into something that is bulky and heavy...it has become , me.

or i have become it. i suppose.

these things, these wounds, that have been given to me by old friends, family members, relationships...they define who i am. and it's in no way,shape , or form a good way.

i've talked before about how i am an avoider.when things happen. when i get hurt. i never try to fix it.fixing it just seems too hard...like way too much work. so i avoid it, and i hold on to that grudge for dear life.

and i'm learning that living like that is getting me nowhere.but after being defined by these things for so long...how do you change?
just completely change.

i am checking.

in the notes at church on sunday there was a part about checking our motivations. and when i read it i couldn't help but get frustrated with myself because this is something that i struggle with. and i have been aware of it for awhile now.

but i think it's safe to say that lately i have been checking my motivations.

i have been doing my best to think about what i am doing and why i am doing it. because i really do believe that the truth lies in our intentions. and sometimes ...well alot of times, my truth is ugly. and it's embarassing. and i don't want anyone to see it.

usually when i sit back and realize my true intentions...
-why i am going where i am going to hang out,
-why i'm putting on that shirt that's a little too low cut,
-why i am waking up in the morning to go church...
i get so angry with myself. and lately i've been refraining from doing some of the things that i used to do because my motivations were not where they should be. and i know some people are upset with me because of my decisions to sit out...but i know that its something that i need to do for myself.

so i'm checking.
and don't get my wrong i am still failing like crazy.
but...i am checking.

i am trying.

i am trying not to be one of those bitter seniors.
thats hates their class.
and hates this town.
and just wants to get away from it all.

but that is me. i am so frustrated with the people i go to school with.

the couples. that have to wait in their cars in the morning until their special someone gets there to accompany them into the building. like they really can't walk into the school themselves.

the gossip.that is all you can hear about. i learn more about the people at my school from just walking down the hallways then sitting down and talking to the person.

the parties. that occur every weekend.and the way people actually think it's humerous when they get in their cars "totally shit-faced" and drive somewhere. ( i think thats the term i heard at school today)

don't get me wrong. i have some amazing friends at school that i love.but this is our last year.after this, we are gone and on our own. and half the people at my school can't function without their girlfriend/boyfriend, and the other half can't function without alcohol. it's just frustrating to see these people lose their independence. and it worries me how any of us are going to be able to make it outside of waverly.

maybe i'm being a bitter betty.
or maybe i'm looking outside the high school realm of things.
right now, i'm not so sure.

i am learning.

i think that i am finally starting to realize that the people in my life have different roles.

i used to just open up to anyone. anyone who would take the time to sit and listen to me cry,vent,bitch,or complain about my life. and i thought that was okay.but i'm growing and i'm learning.and i'm finding out that i have to protect myself and there is nothing wrong with that.

there are alot of people in my life.and i consider myself very blessed to know all of them. but not all of them were meant to hear all of my dark,twisty,and painfully honest details about my life. God has given me my people ( as anna would say) and these people were meant for that.they don't tell me what i want to hear, they don't judge me, and they don't use me coming to them to make themselves feel good about themselves.they are my people

i lied.

you may think this is who i am. but it's not. i lied.

i put on the biggest show.
some of you may have seen my debut as 'creighton' in the musical last year...and thought , " wow,she is horrible at acting"

but this isn't true.

i am actually quite good because i do it everyday. its an art that i have mastered.

just thought i'd put that out there.

i lied.

it's been awhile...

i know, i know....i haven't posted in forever.
shame on me.


i love the fact that i can sit with one of my youth leaders and two other women from my church and talk about everything. i can tell them all the nitty gritty, raw things about my life...and they do not judge me. they can accept me for who i am. i can be myself and i love it.

my last first day.

tomorrow is the first day of my senior year...i know...intense.

i am feeling so indifferent about it all. i am not looking forward to getting up every morning and getting an education. but there is something about the start of a new school year that can be rejuvinating. i am excited to see what this year has in store for me and my friends.

last year was rough for me. and i feel as if i wasted alot of time feeling sorry for myself...but this year i am going to do things differently. i am going to make the best out of my last year of high school. ( okay, well i'm going to try )

i have to stop before i start to cry ha

river valley youth.

last night the youth group had a get together at chris and tessa's house. there was a giant, crazy long slip n slide. swimming in the ryan's pool. and a bonfire and some great food. it was a really good time and we managed to end the evening with only a few bruises and one bloody nose. good times.

i am so glad that i got to spend some time with the people in the youth group. they are really amazing and i consider myself blessed to know each and every one of them.i love the fact that they welcomed me in two years ago and now i can call river valley my home...i love that i have been able to not only experience growth for myself but that i have been able to watch them grow and mature in christ as well.

i am looking forward to my last year with all of them.

"here's who i am....do you love me?"

steve spoke the most amazing message i’ve ever heard yesterday morning. i can honestly say that i have never been so moved during a “ sermon”.

here is who i am...
- i am a fake.

- i am a liar.

- i am selfish.

- i am bitter.

- i just found my bible...but the thing is...i didn’t even realize i had lost it.

- i hate kids.

- i need a pill to get me through the day without crying.

- i gossip.

- a piece of my purity is gone.

- i am two-faced.

- i have an extremely dirty mouth.

- i don’t trust...anyone.

- i am an avoider.

- i don’t have a mind of my own.

do you love me?

i know that i am blessed. and that there is a number of people that god has put in my life that i could tell these things to and they would still love me. but there is also a number of people who would curl their noses and walk away disgusted.

“ make this your common practice : confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you can live together whole and healed...” - james 5:16

steve used this verse. and i love it...and i know this is how we should be living. but at the same time...i can’t help but think that it’s impossible. we are human. and whether we realize it or not...we judge one another...everyday.
i am hoping with all my heart that one day we can see each other for who we really are...and love anyways. because that’s what god does everyday.

" i'm an avoider...i avoid."

to me slowing down is the worst thing.

when i slow down, all the things i've been avoiding come crashing into my lap. and they are just there. and i have to deal with them.
i avoid.
and i am good at.
i avoid my dad so i don't have to talk to him.
i avoid working things out with friends that i have wronged.
i avoid being in the room with my mom so we won't fight.
i avoid the things i know i will fail at.
i avoid looking in the mirror because i don't like what i see ( which by the way my hair looks sometimes, its pretty obvious.)

but mostly i avoid thinking about the important things. when i start ... i get so deep into my thoughts...i can't get out. maybe it's because i have a huge imagination, or that i'm obsessive about whats going to happen,or maybe i just really have issues. i hate thinking. i really do.

but i'm realizing that sometimes there are things i can't avoid. i can't hide under the blankets forever. i have to get over my fears...and face reality.

it's raining in baltimore.

i love this song by counting crows. adam duritz's voice is therapeutic to me and it brings out so many emotions. it brings back both good and bad memories. and for the 3 to 4 minutes that a counting crows song lasts i can find myself in a completely different place. tonight this song has a new meaning to me. and i'm not exactley sure what it is yet...but it just feels different. and i think i like it.


This circus is falling down on its knees
The big top is crumbling down
It's raining in baltimore fifty miles east
Where you should be, no one's around

I need a phone call
I need a raincoat
I need a big love
I need a phone call

These train conversations are passing me by
And i don't have nothing to say
You get what you pay for
But i just had no intention of living this way

I need a phone call
I need a plane ride
I need a sunburn
I need a raincoat

And i get no answers
And i don't get no change
It's raining in baltimore, baby
But everything else is the same

There's things i remember and things i forget
I miss you i guess that i should
Three thousand five hundred miles away
But what would you change if you could?

I need a phone call maybe i should buy a new car
I can always hear a freight train if i listen real hard
And i wish it was a small world
Because i'm lonely for the big towns
I'd like to hear a little guitar
I think it's time to put the top down

I need a phone call
I need a raincoat.



after a very long and emotional night.all i can think about is how i'm ready for something new. i'm ready to be rejuvinated. to learn to respect myself and maybe discover who i really am at the same time.

calley.

yesterday was my best friend calley's 17th birthday.

calley is truely the definition of a best friend. she has been that one person who is always there for me. and i mean always. we spend an abnormal amount of time together and it never gets old. i wouldn't trade the laughs,the tears,the conversations,the comfortable silences for anything.

i have been surrounded by family and friends my entire life that are around for the good times...but when things get rough they bail. but it such a relief to know that i don't have to worry about that with calley. she is there ...even if i let her down.

she is selfless when it comes to our friendship.

and i consider myself blessed to have her in my life.

this was fun.

stunted.

i need to s l o w down.

i am so bad about getting into my everyday routine and just not taking a breath. i know almost everyone struggles with this.and i feel like here lately all i've heard is to make sure you find solitude and silence. and that you need to take time to relax and just be. and i've never really been able to relate...but in the past few days i've kinda been slapped in the face with some reality.

i have realized that i find comfort in the noise.

i find comfort in the distractions.

i really need to breathe. the noise and distractions help me avoid the things that i really should be confronting. and when i'm avoiding those things i'm really stunting my growth.

which is never good.

eight facts.

okay, so i was never officially "tagged" but i really wanted to play this game so...here i go...eight things about me...and no one can stop me :)

1) i cannot sing or dance. but my ultimate dream is to be on broadway.i always wanted to take dance lessons but it was really expensive so i was never able to do it. and there is not a single person in my family that can sing...so i guess my dream is kinda just that...a dream.

2) i lack motivation more than anyone i've ever met in my entire life. it doesn't matter how badly i want something...i would sooner give up than actually try to work for it. i know...that's horrible. but also very true.

3) i have an obsession with the tv show 'charmed.' incase you've never heard of it... it's a show about three sisters who are witches. it's actually a very strange show with bad affects ,cheesey lines, and not so great acting. but for some reason i love it. and i watch it everyday, it's definately a guilty pleasure.

4) oreos dipped in peanut butter is my absolute favorite food. sometimes i eat it for dinner. it's amazing.

5) i have no talent. i am not good at any sport , i am not artistic or creative, like i said earlier i can't sing or dance, i have no deep or profound thoughts that i could poeticly write on paper...it's really a bummer. and it used to really upset me even though i would joke about it. but it's something that i'm learning to live with and accept about myself.

6) i love rain. it's symbolic and it's beautiful. and for me , it always seems to come at the perfect time.

7) for awhile i've been saying that i want to be a sports trainer. but just the other day i came to the conclusion that broken bones freak me out...so i guess i'm going to have to rethink my career choice...which sucks.

8) my father and i are the same person. we do not get along, we haven't spoken in months, but it's just because we are so much alike. i try to deny it all the time but if i really think about it is the truth. we avoid the tough subjects, we joke about the things that hurt us so people don't know we are upset, we are stubborn and never want to admit we are wrong. the fact that we are so much alike is the main reason me and my dad have so many issues in our relationship.

well that was fun...

birthday girl.

hello my name is lauren and i am seventeen.

i can now legally drive with as many people in my car as i desire.
and i can also see 'R' rated movies. bah!

it has been a year of changes and growing for me. it's safe to say that i had been at my all time low and God so graciously extended his arm to pull me out of an extremely dark hole. there has been a number of times in the past year when i wanted to give up...to fall down and not get up. but i'm so thankful that i can look back and see how all that has shaped me into who i am today. i am aware that there will be times when things get rough and i'm feeling low. but i am so grateful that i've had this past year to prepare for those times.

NIPGEN

i just got home from nipgen jr. camp.

it was a great week. i know that nipgen has it's problems and could be improved in so many ways...but that doesn't affect my love for that place and for the thngs that God does there.i got to spend time with some of my best friends and i got to make some new friends that i am so excited to continue to get to know better.

there was a little girl in my dorm, her name was kendra, and she was very shy the whole week. she talked to her friends but amy and i had a hard time trying to get her to relax and talk with us. i prayed with her one night about her father. she completely opened up to me about her parent's divorce and how she hasn't seen her dad in a really long time. i could tell that he has really let her down...but she still loved him and wanted so badly to see him. when she finished telling me about her situation i got a little teary eyed. at that moment i knew i was in the right place at the right time. i had alot in common with kendra concerning our relationship with our fathers. i shared with kendra my situation with my father and then we prayed. after we said 'amen'...i told her..." even though sometimes our earthly fathers let us down...our heavenly father will always be there" and i wasn't just saying this to comfort her... i was comforting myself at the same time.

i am so thankful that God gave me the chance to have this experience with this amazing little girl.


i leave in two days for another week at nipgen. i'm extremely tired but also very excited!

who am i...

"i feel like i don't know much about you anymore..." - one of my good friends
" yeah, niether do i."-me

this conversation has kind of stuck in my head all day. and i feel like over the past few months i have constantly been reminded of the fact that i have no idea who i am. i know that sounds like such a cliche' thing to say...and to be honest i'm a bit embarrassed that i even said it...but it is the truth. i understand that life is about change. our circumstances are going to change, i am very aware of that. i just can't wrap my mind around how you can have a part of yourself die...and not let rest of you go with it.

so i guess i'm going to join the rest of the world on the never ending quest of self discovery.
this should be fun.

some more grey's logic...

"At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, it's usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them. The people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need."

so tired from walking...

the past few weeks i have felt insanely exhausted. i feel physically,emotionally,and mentally drained. lately , i've become pretty good at putting on a good face ...and sometimes i almost have myself convinced. but i'm starting to think that i'm just way too tired to fake it anymore. i not really sure if it's worth it.

sacrafice.

"A wise man once said you can have anything in life if you will sacrifice everything else for it. What he meant is nothing comes without a price. So before you go into battle, you better decide how much you're willing to lose. Too often, going after what feels good means letting go of what you know is right, and letting someone in means abandoning the walls you've spent a lifetime building. Of course, the toughest sacrifices are the ones we don't see coming, when we don't have time to come up with a strategy to pick a side or to measure the potential loss. When that happens, when the battle chooses us and not the other way around, that's when the sacrifice can turn out to be more than we can bear."

what a bummer.

thank you north carolina for ruining my hopes and dreams of winning 500 dollars.

lies.

"No matter how hard we try to ignore or deny it, eventually the lies fall away, like it or not. But here's the truth about the truth. It hurts. So we lie."

ick.

and all at once that crowd begins to say,
" sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same..."


ick...that's so true.

as much as i would love to deny it...it's the truth.

the gosh dern truth.

well...he did it...

i don't think i've ever experienced god in the way that i did tonight.

i've been in the dark and bringing myself down for so long now. and i've known that the only way out was everything i was running from. but we can only run for so long.

god's shown me that it is time. time to start living and stop killing time. it's time to start fighting and stop making excuses for myself. i know it's not always going to be easy and i will fall. but 'to fail is not to try.'

( i quoted 'superchick' twice in this post...i'm cool)

NOT ENOUGH TIME!!!

i've been so busy this week! there are not enough hours in a day.

i don't have any time to sleep, do my homework,think,breathe, or wash my hair ( not that i really do that anyway...but i like to have the option.)

i'm just really hoping that through all this hectic-ness, ( is that a word? ) god can reveal himself to me somehow. i love it when he does that =)

woot woot

I am aware that my last post was a very long time ago...but it's for a good reason i promise. my computer was really messed up and did not function at all. but good news everyone....

i am now a member of the mac club! woot woot. yep...my macbook and i are going to become very good friends...this is can tell already.

the past two weeks have been extremely stressful and well...just long. nothing has seemed to go just right. everytime there's been something good or something to smile about , there has been something really icky to outweigh that good. and although it's probably my own fault that i've let the bad outnumber the good...it's still been really frustrating.

so maybe that should be my goal for this week ... to see the positives .

to be...optimistic

i know this sounds horrible but this will really be challenging for me.

let's see how it goes....

snow. snow. snow.

well i've decided to become a blogger. yay me.

no school yesterday or today, which means that i've done nothing but lay around and read,eat,and watch movies. and it was fun for awhile...but it's starting to get a little old. i'm not a fan of winter...or snow...or snow days. i try to like snow ...i really do. i just can't. i will admit that it can be pretty to look at for a period of time...but after so long it just gets annoying. and it hurts your eyes, and when you're trying to drive, that can become a problem. not to mention it messes up plans...i hate that.

wow... i just wasted my first blog on dissing snow. this is going to be fun.