my last first day.

tomorrow is the first day of my senior year...i know...intense.

i am feeling so indifferent about it all. i am not looking forward to getting up every morning and getting an education. but there is something about the start of a new school year that can be rejuvinating. i am excited to see what this year has in store for me and my friends.

last year was rough for me. and i feel as if i wasted alot of time feeling sorry for myself...but this year i am going to do things differently. i am going to make the best out of my last year of high school. ( okay, well i'm going to try )

i have to stop before i start to cry ha

river valley youth.

last night the youth group had a get together at chris and tessa's house. there was a giant, crazy long slip n slide. swimming in the ryan's pool. and a bonfire and some great food. it was a really good time and we managed to end the evening with only a few bruises and one bloody nose. good times.

i am so glad that i got to spend some time with the people in the youth group. they are really amazing and i consider myself blessed to know each and every one of them.i love the fact that they welcomed me in two years ago and now i can call river valley my home...i love that i have been able to not only experience growth for myself but that i have been able to watch them grow and mature in christ as well.

i am looking forward to my last year with all of them.

"here's who i am....do you love me?"

steve spoke the most amazing message i’ve ever heard yesterday morning. i can honestly say that i have never been so moved during a “ sermon”.

here is who i am...
- i am a fake.

- i am a liar.

- i am selfish.

- i am bitter.

- i just found my bible...but the thing is...i didn’t even realize i had lost it.

- i hate kids.

- i need a pill to get me through the day without crying.

- i gossip.

- a piece of my purity is gone.

- i am two-faced.

- i have an extremely dirty mouth.

- i don’t trust...anyone.

- i am an avoider.

- i don’t have a mind of my own.

do you love me?

i know that i am blessed. and that there is a number of people that god has put in my life that i could tell these things to and they would still love me. but there is also a number of people who would curl their noses and walk away disgusted.

“ make this your common practice : confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you can live together whole and healed...” - james 5:16

steve used this verse. and i love it...and i know this is how we should be living. but at the same time...i can’t help but think that it’s impossible. we are human. and whether we realize it or not...we judge one another...everyday.
i am hoping with all my heart that one day we can see each other for who we really are...and love anyways. because that’s what god does everyday.

" i'm an avoider...i avoid."

to me slowing down is the worst thing.

when i slow down, all the things i've been avoiding come crashing into my lap. and they are just there. and i have to deal with them.
i avoid.
and i am good at.
i avoid my dad so i don't have to talk to him.
i avoid working things out with friends that i have wronged.
i avoid being in the room with my mom so we won't fight.
i avoid the things i know i will fail at.
i avoid looking in the mirror because i don't like what i see ( which by the way my hair looks sometimes, its pretty obvious.)

but mostly i avoid thinking about the important things. when i start ... i get so deep into my thoughts...i can't get out. maybe it's because i have a huge imagination, or that i'm obsessive about whats going to happen,or maybe i just really have issues. i hate thinking. i really do.

but i'm realizing that sometimes there are things i can't avoid. i can't hide under the blankets forever. i have to get over my fears...and face reality.

it's raining in baltimore.

i love this song by counting crows. adam duritz's voice is therapeutic to me and it brings out so many emotions. it brings back both good and bad memories. and for the 3 to 4 minutes that a counting crows song lasts i can find myself in a completely different place. tonight this song has a new meaning to me. and i'm not exactley sure what it is yet...but it just feels different. and i think i like it.


This circus is falling down on its knees
The big top is crumbling down
It's raining in baltimore fifty miles east
Where you should be, no one's around

I need a phone call
I need a raincoat
I need a big love
I need a phone call

These train conversations are passing me by
And i don't have nothing to say
You get what you pay for
But i just had no intention of living this way

I need a phone call
I need a plane ride
I need a sunburn
I need a raincoat

And i get no answers
And i don't get no change
It's raining in baltimore, baby
But everything else is the same

There's things i remember and things i forget
I miss you i guess that i should
Three thousand five hundred miles away
But what would you change if you could?

I need a phone call maybe i should buy a new car
I can always hear a freight train if i listen real hard
And i wish it was a small world
Because i'm lonely for the big towns
I'd like to hear a little guitar
I think it's time to put the top down

I need a phone call
I need a raincoat.



after a very long and emotional night.all i can think about is how i'm ready for something new. i'm ready to be rejuvinated. to learn to respect myself and maybe discover who i really am at the same time.

calley.

yesterday was my best friend calley's 17th birthday.

calley is truely the definition of a best friend. she has been that one person who is always there for me. and i mean always. we spend an abnormal amount of time together and it never gets old. i wouldn't trade the laughs,the tears,the conversations,the comfortable silences for anything.

i have been surrounded by family and friends my entire life that are around for the good times...but when things get rough they bail. but it such a relief to know that i don't have to worry about that with calley. she is there ...even if i let her down.

she is selfless when it comes to our friendship.

and i consider myself blessed to have her in my life.