Tuesday, October 21, 2008


my thoughts have been consumed with the topic of relationships here lately. and it seems that conversations that i have been having keep prolonging these thoughts. so me being convinced that everything happens for a reason , cant help but assume that there is a good reason for this.

i am astonished by our perception of what relationships are supposed to be like. im really trying to evaluate the relationships i have in my life.

selfishness is something i seem to keep finding.sometimes on my end ,sometimes on the other end and sometimes just from observing other's relations with each other.

how messed up is that?God blessed us with relationships and we distort them in so many ways. i want to be able to put into my relationships what i want to get out of them and even more. but that would require me putting my self aside...putting other's first. which as much as i hate to admit , this task that has been preached to me for as long as i can remember is still as hard for me as it was years ago.

i suppose it's time to grow up.

Monday, October 13, 2008

i took a break from blogging...and im back...i think.

im on this new kick where i just want to be really open. i keep thinking that i only have one life to live ( my mom watches that soap) so i might as well share it. what is the point in hiding things?

well there is the fact that sharing the messy things gives reason for people to judge. but i figure if someone is judging me or what i do affects their ability to love me. then it's not true love and i shouldn't worry about it - enough with that rabbit trail

i am very angry with my father. those of you who have ever heard me talk about the issues i have with my dad , know that i usually blow it off and state that it simply does not bother me. but after thinking about it...it does bother me. just not in the way that you might think. my dad and i have no spoken in...well it's been around a year. i am not sad. that sounds awful, but im not.

i am angry. livid ... is a better term for it. yes, it is both of our faults. yes, i could attempt to fix it if i chose to. but nothing changes the fact that i am angry.

when you lack the love of a father in your life , you tend to want to replace that void. which is what i spent this past summer doing. this is a cliche' saying but it describes my way of living the past few months so perfectly ... i was " looking for love in all the wrong places". ick...i want to cringe it's so cliche' . but it is the truth.

i looked for love in boys , friendships, and activities that were all toxic.

after being wrapped up in all these things led by my selfishness , i finally broke. ( as most often do) and that is exactly what i needed to do. it was a rush of relief. everything i knew in the back of my mind finally pushed it's way to the front and demanded my attention. the truth that i had suppressed was simply unavoidable.

i have a heavenly father that loves me more than i could ever comprehend. whose love can fill the void in my life that my biological father has left and then some. why was i looking for love , when the greatest love of all was right in front of me?

im not looking anymore. im embracing that love and it's the most amazing feeling.