i took a break from blogging...and im back...i think.


im on this new kick where i just want to be really open. i keep thinking that i only have one life to live ( my mom watches that soap) so i might as well share it. what is the point in hiding things?

well there is the fact that sharing the messy things gives reason for people to judge. but i figure if someone is judging me or what i do affects their ability to love me. then it's not true love and i shouldn't worry about it - enough with that rabbit trail


i am very angry with my father. those of you who have ever heard me talk about the issues i have with my dad , know that i usually blow it off and state that it simply does not bother me. but after thinking about it...it does bother me. just not in the way that you might think. my dad and i have no spoken in...well it's been around a year. i am not sad. that sounds awful, but im not.

i am angry. livid ... is a better term for it. yes, it is both of our faults. yes, i could attempt to fix it if i chose to. but nothing changes the fact that i am angry.

when you lack the love of a father in your life , you tend to want to replace that void. which is what i spent this past summer doing. this is a cliche' saying but it describes my way of living the past few months so perfectly ... i was " looking for love in all the wrong places". ick...i want to cringe it's so cliche' . but it is the truth.

i looked for love in boys , friendships, and activities that were all toxic.

after being wrapped up in all these things led by my selfishness , i finally broke. ( as most often do) and that is exactly what i needed to do. it was a rush of relief. everything i knew in the back of my mind finally pushed it's way to the front and demanded my attention. the truth that i had suppressed was simply unavoidable.

i have a heavenly father that loves me more than i could ever comprehend. whose love can fill the void in my life that my biological father has left and then some. why was i looking for love , when the greatest love of all was right in front of me?

im not looking anymore. im embracing that love and it's the most amazing feeling.